


Letting Go

by TheGirlWithBrightEyes



Series: Someone to Stop You [1]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Coping, Crying, Depression, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Loneliness, Loss, Pain, Space Flight, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2019-07-26
Packaged: 2020-07-20 11:33:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19991473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGirlWithBrightEyes/pseuds/TheGirlWithBrightEyes
Summary: After leaving Donna behind on Christmas Day, the Doctor needs to start processing the loss of Rose.Rating because it's dark.





	Letting Go

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by David Tennant's interview from Doctor Who Confidential where they discuss his choice of taking Martha Jones on as a companion. In that interview, David claims that he believes that there is quite a time gap between Runaway Bride Christmas Special and the first episode of Series 3 - Smith & Jones, and that the Doctor has taken his time to think things through. 
> 
> This series is an attempt to retell that timeout, exploring the Doctor's stages of grief until he can start moving on, finding someone to travel with him like Donna told him to. I considered making it into chapters but I think it might work better this way.

_That friend of yours. What was her name?_

Donna's words lingered in the Doctor's mind as he brought the TARDIS away, no clear goal in front of him. Now that the adrenaline was starting to fade, he felt himself empty. Weary to the bone. It was time for a timeout. It had been so long since he was truly alone with nothing to distract him.

He avoided it, generally, because it meant he would have time to think. Time to...dwell on things he usually tried to push deep down and not think about.

Only this time...he needed to. The chaos following in Donna's wake had kept his mind preoccupied but his roller coaster life lately had caught up. His heart was still raw after the loss of Rose.

"I think...it's time to put ourselves in orbit, somewhere," he said quietly, stroking the control panel of TARDIS lightly. "Somewhere remote, both in time and space." He glanced up on the time column, shoulders sinking as the energy seeped from him leaving an incredibly numbing sadness in its wake. "Will you let me have some peace?" he whispered to TARDIS, a gentle hum the only reply. He knew all too well how she had a mind of her own, a sense of where he needed to be and when.

But right now he needed to be alone for a while.

Hands lingering on the panels, he considered where to go. When to go. It wasn't important...not really. It just had to be a safe, remote place to stay in orbit for a while. He had a few such places, safe havens in remote places of the Universe but you never knew if they were still when you got there. As TARDIS made the jump, the Doctor could only hope it would let him go where he wanted to.

This once, TARDIS did. Perhaps it was the silent plea. Perhaps he was simply not needed for now. They were floating just outside the gravity of a small, deserted moon. Just to be on the safe side, he made a quick scan of the moon but it came up empty. It should be safe enough to stay in orbit for a while. Time in this instance was irrelevant, as long as he didn't cross his own timeline.

It was, after all, part of the job description for a Time Lord to remember where and when you had been.

As he had locked TARDIS in orbit and ramped up the shields, the Doctor let out a sigh and shrugged out of his jacket, dumping it over the safety rail. He did the same to the tie before wandering up the stairs and out of the control room, hands deep in his pockets, feet moving but his mind wandering elsewhere. It was a bit of a surprise when he arrived at the Tree of Life, standing in the doorway watching it shine.

It's always had a sort of melancholic beauty. Like watching a supernova. A star is dying...and it is spectacular. The shimmering light is comforting, soothing somehow. He stands there, looking but not quite seeing, his thoughts wandering to Rose. To watch her despair and be unable to even touch... So close and yet so very far away.

His throat constricts but this time he doesn't fight. He needs this. Needs the release tears bring but it is so lonely. It's why he tries not to. Tells himself that there is no use crying. That it won't help.

But he knows it isn't true.

Sometimes the tears release something. A hitch somewhere. Pain that has just curled up inside his chest and will not go away. Thoughts that press on, begging to be thought. So he does. It's silent. Tears building up and running down his cheeks, dripping down through the floor. His hands clench even harder in his pockets as he swallows, fighting to keep his breathing calm. To just let go.

It's lonely. Oh, so lonely. There is no one there to bear witness. No one to say that it will be all right, in time. That the pain will pass and settle as a dull ache, buried in his memories along with all his other losses. Oh he is so old...so tired. There has been too much deaths. Too much loss.

It is the curse of the Time Lords. To wander on as everyone fades around them. To part with everyone in the end.

He just wishes that at some point it would stop hurting so much. He wants to be happy that Rose is safe - and he is. She could very well have ended up in the Void, but she was spared... Despite himself, he smiles through his tears. She's safe. She's free to live. Day by day, creating a life for herself. It's not with him...but she lives.

He could never keep her. He knows. Maybe, in a way, it's better this way. He will always remember her like this. Young and filled with so much compassion. She made him feel truly alive. More alive than he's felt in a long time. He needed her.

That's what makes it so difficult... He still needs her. His heart needs her. He feels lost without her.

Headache building up slowly he turns, eyes stinging as he passes a vent before heading to his rooms he wipes at them with his shirt sleeve, passing the kitchen to check if the food machine is there or if it had wandered off again. It is. He is in no mood for cooking but now with the adrenaline levels lowering his body craves sustenance. He chews as he walks but can't tell any taste. It doesn't matter.

Well in his rooms, his eyes fall on Rose's t-shirt, carelessly thrown into the room when he was upset with Donna. He stares at it, throat constricting again as a second wave of crying hits him. This one with more force, his muscles clenching up as he tips on the bed, curling up with his arms pressing down on his stomach. It hurts. An empty, raw void of pain. The sobs rack him, eyes stinging so he squeezes them shut.

It hurts so much. The loss is so palpable this time. So raw. So very much there. It's too big for his body, clawing for release.

He lost her without ever confessing how he felt about her. Never got to hold her. Never got to kiss her, because the times with the Time Vortex and Cassandra doesn't really count. They spent so much time together and yet...

And yet...

He shudders and chokes, forcing the thoughts back into his mind. Not yet. It's too soon. Too raw. Taking deep breaths, he tries to get back in control. It's a battle but he's done it before. He knows how.

As it subsides, he lies on his side, exhausted, staring blankly in front of himself. Hollow. Even his brain is exhausted because for once it is silent. The thoughts a lazy swirl under the surface of a lake. He pulls himself up on the bed with effort, wrapping his blankets around him without bothering to undress. All he does is let his shoes drop to the floor, not caring to see where they land.

He curls up and sleeps.


End file.
